...
I didn't get to say goodbye
The last thing I told him was that I love him
What I wouldn't give to hold onto him one more time and kiss his head, pet him gently
And tell him it's all going to be alright
I can't believe he's gone
I don't think it'll ever feel like he won't be there to greet me when I come home
His 14th birthday was going to be the 20th
...
I love you, Jack
I love you so much
I love you so so much
Please be good, alright? Please. I love you. I hope you're okay. I hope you're at peace and you're having a good time
I hope that you're happy, and that you're getting all the wonderful things you deserved
I love you
Just had sleep paralysis
The Dream
A good bit into the progression my dream, I was on a train that was too tall, too crowded, with a maze of seats and levels that wove together in the worst way. I wanted to get off the train, because I had something to do, so I had to tiptoe around a lot of people, try to get from my all the way up top and in the back of the car to the center where the doors let out
I kept seeing unusual cop activity, and I saw the occasional gun being pulled... I am not fond of cops, so it freaked me out, but whoever I was in my dream was merely curious, but ultimately dismissive, more focused on leaving the train. I was way up on the train, the highest level trying to climb down, I was just over the doors when I looked down and saw more cops getting into position, but their guns were raised. I now noticed a man in the crowd in front of the door, lying down on his stomach, I noticed something bright on him. It took me a minute to realize through the crowd and effect that he had a bomb strapped to his chest and was aiming a sniper rifle.
My dream self was unmoved, merely watching the scene, more preoccupied that it was blocking the door I wanted to leave through. The scene was tense, cops pointed at this man, the slightest movement from either party would make things terrible in different ways. Ultimately, the man was not seasoned, and the cops had quicker reflexes, effectively ending up with him taking about five bullets to the head. My dream character stared on uncaring, even though the blood and brains splattered across the door. They weren’t moving the body yet.
My dream character thought, “I don’t have time for this, I have to leave the train.”
So, I shuffled a bit, climbed across the warm gray, white, and coral train interior, to a window, where I spread pale, thin, sandy wings, kicked out a window, and flew out of the moving train. My wings were just about steadying out and I could feel the cold, temperate air...
Paralysis
It immediately transitioned into sleep paralysis as my wings settled out in my dream. I felt myself in my own body. Now, when I have sleep paralysis, 7 times out of 10 I will have my eyes initially closed. The first sensation I always have is like my entire body feel like a limb that’s asleep, and there is a piercing white noise that’s far louder than it should be. It is not uncommon, when my eyes are closed, to feel something touching me, moving me around a bit, so I was used to it when I felt my legs slowly being moved.
But then they started pulling my legs and hips a bit too high, started to the left, twisting them a bit, I felt like I was hanging off the edge of the bed, which had not happened to me before, but not enough to induce major panic yet. Once they started to pull more, and I felt like I was going to fall off, my curiosity was too much. Something was wrong, so I opened my eyes.
I don’t even want to describe exactly what I saw, because I am very used to seeing humanoid, or vaguely humanoid figures during sleep paralysis, but this was a new scope entirely. It was a true monster, it had no real world equivalent or comparison that was close enough. And it was big. Far too big, and the darkness of the room cut it off some point during its too long neck, making it only seem infinitely larger as it hovered over and away from me about 6 feet. It was quite literally, the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. Any art, any video game monster, any movie monster, nothing compared to this.
And it was right there, still touching me without me being able to see what part of it might be touching me. Pure. With my own eyes, my own body, my own room, my own bed.
Normally, during sleep paralysis events, since I encounter them semi-often, I am able to focus all my bodily energy and move a part of my lower body, which is normally enough to pull me out of whatever is happening. But I was too shocked at what I was seeing, at how unnaturally it looked, how it moved as if it was not constrained to our universe, any of our laws of reality, time, and physics, that I could not gather any energy except for pure fear.
As it started slowly moving closer to me, it got about 3 feet from my face before it was enough to shock me back into reality, and I had to focus all my energy painfully into attempting to move my lower body. Luckily, after a bit too long, it snapped me out of it, and I scrambled up onto my bed and grabbed my phone for a light, stumbled quicker than I ever have for a room light before to just make everything light. Then I turned on my computer because I needed distraction. And here I am.
I would draw it, but honestly, it would be better if I could forget that thing forever. I apologize for not describing its face in detail, it’s best I forget, I don’t want to be able to find any physical reference to what it looked like precisely, but for the curious, it was vaguely equine, though really only the terrible head and incredibly long neck were visible for me.
Maybe one day if I really want to I might draw it out, but for now it's too fresh in my head, you know?